BONDS

“Hola sister”
“Hola sister”, she mimicked.
“Can you please answer this question?”
“Ohh Ummm, what do I win?”
“Nothing, just answer it and prove Mum wrong.”
“OH done deal! Shoot.”
“OK sister, who is ma’s favorite child?”
“OH easy P. Hands down P” she quickly responded.
“Ohh, you girls!! I love all my children equally!” My mother proclaimed.
“Umm, well you love us all now this is true, however, P was the well, hate to break the news but he was the golden child. The Jedi master among us. He could do no wrong and that makes him….” Clearing my throat, “the favorite!”
My mother sighed and walked away. She slowly walked up the stairs to no doubt think about P stopping to admire the graffiti poster him that hangs on my wall. When we say his name she either smirks or gets sad. This was a smirk, so she likely she enjoyed the back and forth teasing. This banter though, this time it sparked a deeper conversation though between me and my sister. An understanding she opened my eyes too.
“I still don’t get it,” I said still on the phone with her. “I can’t see how I could love one child more than another or have one I gravitate more towards. It’s odd to me.” I said. “But as I matured I think how I justified it was that it’s not she likes him more or he is favored. I think she just always worried about him more and out of the 4 of us. Worried about me the least.” I explained my thoughts to my sister. Growing up my mother and I didn’t have a great relationship. It was pretty awful. I always had jealousy because I thought she liked my siblings more than me. She favored them more. It was until I had Liv and these last few years that I understood that she always saw me as a headstrong independent. I learned the hard way, I didn’t want to listen to her reasoning and always persevered despite the fair warning she tried to give me about the hurdles ahead.

It was also probably a hell of a lot easier since I always had a good head on my shoulders, goals, and I was driven. I was responsible didn’t do or try any drugs. I never found myself to her knowledge in crazy situations. So she worried about me the least. P was the complete opposite. He was loud, loved the attention. Good or bad. Often found himself at the wrong places at wrong times, etc. She worried about him so much more than me that I interpreted that as for a while as pure dislike. So naturally, she couldn’t tell me a thing. I knew it all and she didn’t like me so why should I listen to her. I was sometimes just an asshole to her. When I got pregnant with Liv, I thought about all my mistakes. Especially those I had with her and I placed more blame on me and less on my mom. These days I try a bit harder to make it up to her.

“I get it.” Said B.
Hold the phone, my sister has 2 kids so does this mean she has a favorite? Record scratch!!!!
“What do you mean? You like Jay over the bug or vice versa?” Teasingly I asked, really I was totally curious.
“NOOOO! Dummy.” Before I could interject this young foolish sister of my said, “I have a different bond with each of them.” Those unexpected words blew my mind and brain matter was everywhere!! Kidding but I was so shocked and I was beaming with pride that my sister could say something so fascinating, so…insightful. “Layla taught me how to be an adult, but Jay taught me how to be a mother.” I paused in awe at my little sister who in seconds became a full-blown adult in my eyes.

My sister got pregnant at 16. She had my niece while the beginning of her senior year of high school. She graduated on time and I walked the field to congratulate her with my niece in my arms. I was so proud of what she accomplished and the hardships she went through. Even now it hasn’t been easy for her but she’s become quite the mother and woman. And yet again this little snot-nosed brat once again blew my mind and forced me to see she is not just my kid sister.

“Hello? T? You there? That make sense? I don’t know how else to say it.” Insert her self doubt to my speechlessness. I stopped her. “No, what you said was perfect. It makes absolute sense. You had to grow up fast with the bug. Forced to be an adult and provide from the start and couldn’t focus on the actual parenting. But with Jay things were a little smoother so you were able to be pay attention and be more of a parent.”
“Exactly!! OK, Pheewww cuz it made sense in my head, and then you got all quiet and I was like great I should have used a big word so she would understand.” We both laughed.

Side note this little chicken nugget seriously thinks I read a dictionary for fun. I use used to use big words I knew she had no idea she knew the meaning of just to mess with her. Soon those words became part of my everyday vocabulary. So when we talk she would try to impress me by using a “big word” but it was often used in the wrong context and now it is just a never-ending joke.

“No your good. No big words needed” I chuckled. “Honestly B I really am impressed by the way you expressed that. Like truly. It makes so much sense. So do you think Ma has different bonds with us? I wonder what those bonds are.”
“I would assume it would transpire with a period in her life maybe.”
“Umm correlate. The word you prob want to use is ‘correlate’. You were good. You were on a roll and now you fumbled but you picked it up again with that period comment, so I think you’re good. Let’s not ruin this in-depth convo with you trying too hard. K?” I laughed
“Ahahahaa, fuck you.”
“Ok folks, ladies and gentlemen it appears my kid sister has returned and the intellectual alien that replaced her has left us. Sadly… with no goodbyes.” 😦